


What Rivals Are For

by quilfish_swan



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gai is the most wonderful person, Gen, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kakashi is having a very very hard time, Panic Attacks, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:01:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26940337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/quilfish_swan/pseuds/quilfish_swan
Summary: Gai is used to dealing with Kakashi’s panic attacks, but usually, he can guess what triggers them. This time, he has no idea, but he’s determined to help his friend as best as he can.Or, Kakashi tells Gai about his almost-suicide-attempt.(Sequel toBreath)
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi & Maito Gai | Might Guy
Comments: 8
Kudos: 88





	What Rivals Are For

**Author's Note:**

> This is a sequel to a one shot I wrote called [_Breath_](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24935188), about fourteen-year-old Kakashi and baby Naruto. Reading that first will give some context for this one, but it’s not necessary.
> 
> The beginning of this fic where it talks about Gai dropping food off for Kakashi regularly was inspired by [this adorable comic](https://shittilydrawing.tumblr.com/post/177009024702/theyre-childsjust-childs) by [@shittilydrawing](https://shittilydrawing.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr! Please check them out!
> 
> Warning: Discussion of suicide, panic attacks, and depression. A few places talk about some pretty dark stuff that could be triggering so please proceed with caution.

"Dear Rival!" Gai calls as he enters Kakashi's unlocked apartment, a bag containing Kakashi's favorite food hooked on his elbow. He makes his way through the house and knocks once on his friend’s bedroom door before stepping in. 

He finds Kakashi, predictably, lying in his bed, awake, staring at the ceiling. Kakashi looks over as Gai approaches his bedside and begins unpacking food and utensils. 

"Good morning, my Eternal Rival!" Gai declares. "I have miso soup with eggplant for you, your very favorite!"

About four months ago, shortly after the Fourth Hokage’s death, Gai started bringing breakfast by Kakashi's place every day that he isn’t on a mission. Because of this, he knows that Kakashi actually wakes up fairly early. He also knows that Kakashi usually lies in bed for several hours before getting up.

While he knows his friend needs his rest (to be fresh and youthful for their challenges, of course!) he also knows that on some days, if Gai does not come to check on him, Kakashi will lie in bed all day without eating. Determined not to let that happen at all costs, Gai comes by his friend's apartment in the mid-morning with breakfast every day that he can.

Today is the first time in two weeks Gai has been able to stop by, because of an extended assignment in another village, from which he returned late last night. 

Kakashi sits up, and suddenly looks very tense. Gai can’t quite see his face, covered by his floppy mess of silver bedhead, but he makes a note of Kakashi’s unusual rigidness.

There typically aren't many words exchanged between the two of them during Gai’s visits—Gai usually says good morning, ensures that Kakashi has at least a few bites of whatever he’s brought him, and then leaves him be, not wanting to overwhelm or overbear. Sometimes Kakashi doesn’t speak to him at all. Gai doesn’t mind. 

But, since it’s been three weeks since they’ve seen each other due to overlapping missions, Gai was hoping to talk to his friend a bit about how he has been doing, as well as update him about what he himself has been up to. He’d been especially excited to tell his rival about an interesting frog he’d seen on his mission to the Hidden Grass, but seeing Kakashi’s sudden stiffness, he decides it might be best to leave him be. That’s alright. He can try again later.

“Well, my Rival, it is wonderful to see you!” Gai says cheerfully. “I brought you some soup to warm your soul! I made sure to get only the best eggplants. The broth is a new recipe, so you’ll have to tell me how you like it.” He sets the tupperware container and spoon on Kakashi’s bedside table and rubs his hands together. “Well, I don’t want to disturb you, so I’ll be going n—”

“I’m sorry.”

It’s the first thing Kakashi has said since his arrival, and it’s barely a croak. Gai stops, unsure if he heard Kakashi correctly.

“What’s that, Rival?”

Kakashi’s hair still obscures his face until the moment that he looks up. His expression is soaked in so much pain that it takes Gai’s breath. Gai sits down on the side of the bed. 

"Kakashi?”

“Gai, I’m so sorry.”

Suddenly very concerned and more than a little baffled, Gai says, “Kakashi, I—Sorry for what?"

"I'm sorry," he repeats, without answering. His head is in his hands now. "I'm so sorry." 

"Kakashi." Gai reaches out and grasps him firmly by the shoulders, causing Kakashi to face him once again. "What's going on?"

Kakashi only shakes his head silently, wiggling out of his grasp.

"Okay,” Gai says, taking a deep breath, trying to assess the situation. “Alright." 

Kakashi's breathing is getting more labored, and Gai can tell he's trying and failing to steady his inhales and exhales, between repeated whispers of _"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry…"_ His eyes are wide and unblinking, seemingly staring without seeing. Gai watches as Kakashi experimentally flexes his fingers, the movement strangely slow. 

Gai has witnessed enough of Kakashi's panic attacks to recognize his signs. He knows how hard it becomes for him to breathe normally, how his hands get numb and difficult to move. Usually, he can guess what triggers them, too (getting blood on his hands is the most common thing to set him off), but this time he has no idea what’s wrong. It almost seems like it was Gai’s presence that made him panic. He ignores the sting that the thought brings.

With a determination to ease his friend's distress as best as he can, Gai is already hurrying to the kitchen.

He returns with a glass of water and a cold, wet kitchen towel. (Once, during a bout of panic, when Gai had asked what he needed, Kakashi had said, “ _Too hot. I feel too hot._ " Gai quickly found that giving Kakashi something cool to hold in his hands and on his face seems to help a bit.) 

Sitting back down on the edge of the bed, he hands Kakashi the cup first. His friend wordlessly takes it, turning his face completely away to pull down his mask and take a drink. When he’s finished, Gai exchanges the cup for the towel, which Kakashi takes in both hands and puts to his forehead. He stays like that, breathing heavily with his face down, arms resting on his knees, which are now tucked up close to his chest.

Gai rubs circles on Kakashi's back until after several painful minutes, his breathing steadies.

Now zapped of both tension and energy, Kakashi takes a deep, shaky breath.

"Thank you," he whispers, and Gai gives a solemn, thin-lipped smile in return.

Kakashi's eyes have returned from their wide roundness to their natural half-lidded state. Usually it makes his rival appear bored (even when he's not), but now it just makes him look exhausted.

“Are you alright, now?” Gai asks, and Kakashi nods. After hesitating for a moment, Gai continues, “Would you like a hug right now, Rival?” 

Kakashi's answers to this common question of Gai's are usually split fifty-fifty between _No, thanks,_ and _I guess, if you really want one, weirdo_ followed by an eyeroll. But every once in a while, in moments like these, when Kakashi's defenses are at their most fragile, Gai will receive a silent nod in answer. He is both relieved and heartbroken that this time, the lattermost is what Kakashi gives him.

Gai gladly envelopes him in a firm embrace. Kakashi doesn't reciprocate with his arms, but he still leans his weight against him.

"Can you ever forgive me?" Kakashi whispers. If he wasn't so close to Gai already, Gai might not have heard it.

Now thoroughly alarmed, Gai hugs him tighter and says, "Kakashi, whatever it is, I'll forgive you. I promise. I just need you to tell me what’s going on."

As Gai pulls away, he doesn’t take his eyes off of his friend. He tries to formulate in his mind the right questions to ask to uncover the reason behind Kakashi's sudden distress, to let Kakashi feel his concern without scaring him into closing up. To let him know he can talk to him, if he wants. 

_Yes or no questions,_ Gai reminds himself. Over the months, Gai has found that Kakashi responds best to yes or no questions when he gets like this. They allow him to start speaking without feeling the pressure of explaining everything all at once.

"Did something happen, Kakashi?" Gai tries.

Kakashi doesn't respond at first; then he nods slowly.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

No response.

Gai takes a breath. Okay. 

"Is anyone hurt?" 

Kakashi shakes his head. "No."

"Are you hurt?" Gai is aware of the implicit _you_ in the word _anyone,_ but also knows that it isn’t likely that Kakashi considered himself when he gave his previous answer.

Kakashi hesitates before saying, "No. I'm not hurt."

Gai lets out a relieved exhale. No one is hurt. Kakashi is not hurt. Surely, anything that happened could not have been that bad. Gai can work with this.

He's in the process of thinking of another coaxing question, when Kakashi shatters his world.

“I almost killed myself.”

The statement, spoken at a normal, conversational volume, strikes Gai with such a force that he silently must gasp for air. He feels like he’s been stabbed straight through the heart.

He stares at Kakashi with wide eyes, still not fully comprehending what his friend has just said. Kakashi, looking ashamed and so very tired, meets his gaze for a moment before turning his attention to his hands.

Surely Gai hadn’t heard the words correctly. Surely, he meant that he'd _almost gotten himself killed,_ on an ANBU assignment or another mission of some sort. 

But Kakashi's deliberate wording rings in his ears with crystal clarity. The more his mind repeats it, the more he feels like the earth is falling away beneath him, and he grips the blanket on Kakashi’s bed for support.

When he feels steady enough, he forces his next question from his throat, already knowing the answer in his heart. The words feel like sandpaper as he speaks them. "On purpose?"

Kakashi only bows his head further, and it’s as good as a confirmation. Gai can't remember how to breathe. _No._

Tears are already streaming down Gai's cheeks, though he doesn't remember beginning to cry. All he can manage is, "When?" 

“Two days ago.”

“Kakashi…”

Gai wasn't there. He was on a mission. Miles away from the village. Logically, he knows he couldn't have done anything to help even if he wanted to, but that doesn't stop the guilt twisting in his gut, making him want to vomit.

“What made you change your mind?” Gai whispers.

Kakashi is silent for a long time, and when he turns his head away from Gai, the morning light shining through the window catches the tear stains on his cheeks. Gai’s insides twist.

“I—I didn’t even—” Kakashi’s voice halts on a sob, and the sound is strange and new to Gai. (It breaks his heart.) “Someone came to my house at the exact moment. I would’ve done it. I was about to do it. I would have done it," he repeats, and the pit in Gai's stomach only grows. Kakashi is crying now. "I’m so sorry.” He covers his eyes with one hand, and he sobs.

Gai struggles to breathe at the sight of Kakashi weeping. His own tears continue to fall into his lap as he imagines Kakashi only days before feeling so utterly hopeless. Everything feels surreal. He still can hardly comprehend it. 

"Kakashi…” 

Gai wants desperately to comfort him, but he is devastated to find that he doesn't know what to do or say. Tears blur his own vision. He can’t see or think straight.

“Can you ever forgive me?” Kakashi repeats, and all his previous pleas make a little more sense. Despite this, the question still leaves Gai confused.

Maybe he should feel hurt. He remembers Kakashi's agony and anger at his father's passing by his own hand. 

( _"How could he do this to me?"_ )

( _"I hate him. I hate him."_ )

Gai remembers feeling angry at Sakumo, too. Kakashi’s father traumatized his son nearly irreparably, leaving him utterly broken and alone at six years old.

(Gai’s own father’s suicide had been a last act of love, of protection, of sacrifice; but there was no selflessness in Sakumo’s death, at least not any that Gai could see. Now that he’s older, he knows that Sakumo’s suffering must have been unbearable; but still, he has caught himself wondering, how could he have done such a thing?)

Now, thinking of Kakashi, in this horrible reversal of roles, of what could have been—Kakashi not here in front of him right now, Kakashi not breathing, Kakashi not _alive—_ Gai’s mind won’t process it. He can't bear it. 

(He certainly can’t bear the very real possibility that Gai could have been the one to find Kakashi, had he followed through.)

He doesn’t know what he would be feeling if fate hadn’t stopped Kakashi two days ago. He doesn’t want to think about it for long enough to find out. 

All Gai knows for certain in this moment is this: truly, he is not angry. He only aches.

Imagining his dear friend in such a state that he would want to end his life—just forming the thought makes it _real,_ and that makes him sick. 

He shoves his nausea down and turns his attention back to Kakashi. 

As an answer to his friend's question, Gai pulls him into another impossibly tight hug. 

"My Rival!" he says softly, earnestly, tears still freely flowing. "There is nothing to forgive!" 

Kakashi sniffs and shakes his head against him. "But—"

"Kakashi," Gai silences him, not wanting Kakashi to continue blaming himself for even a moment longer, and, truthfully, not wanting to hear the end of Kakashi’s sentence. ( _But I could be dead. But you could have found me._ ) "I know. It’s alright, though,” Gai assures, talking to himself as much as to Kakashi. “It's in the past. You're here."

Gai feels Kakashi's arms wrap around him in response. He smiles to himself.

"Just promise me," Gai says, "that you'll never do it again."

As they pull away and their eyes meet, Kakashi huffs and nods.

"Promise me."

Quietly but firmly, Kakashi says, “I promise."

Satisfied for the moment, though still thoroughly shaken, Gai forces some boisterousness into his voice as he says, "Very good!"

They're both sniffling and wiping under their eyes with their hands in the moments that follow. A natural silence falls.

Gai reaches for the container of miso soup and the spoon he brought for Kakashi, and places them in his friend's lap without a word. 

There are questions Gai wants to ask. Assurances he wants to give. Things he wants to say (recommending a therapist being high on his list). But he doesn't know where to start. There are so many thoughts swimming in his head, the most prominent and assaulting one being _Kakashi could be dead right now, and it's because he's so sad._ It makes him physically flinch, cutting him to the core.

 _Kakashi is alive,_ he assures himself. _Kakashi is here, right now. It's okay._

But it's not okay, and Gai knows it. He knows the depths of Kakashi's sorrow and suffering, even if he can't fully comprehend it himself. Gai knows the sting and ache of loss well, but not nearly to the degree that Kakashi does. Gai admits that he doesn't really know what Kakashi's depression is like at all. He can only guess, and try his best to help.

He knows that there is little he can really do. But that won't stop him from doing what few things he knows he can.

After about ten minutes, when Kakashi has finished eating (When had he done that? When had he removed his mask?), Gai speaks. "Is there anything else you would like to talk about, Dear Rival?"

"No," Kakashi says. "Thank you, Gai."

The sincerity in his voice warms Gai's heart.

Normally, Gai would have already been gone by the time Kakashi finished eating. Not wanting to outwear his welcome, he's about to offer to take his leave, but something makes him hesitate. He doesn't want to leave Kakashi alone right now. Not at all. (He's sure he'll have a hard time letting Kakashi out of his sight from now on.)

As he decides if he should announce his departure, or ask if Kakashi needs anything else, Kakashi asks, "You wanna train after this?"

An invitation to stay. Gai’s heart soars, and he grins.

"Absolutely, my Rival!" he exclaims, probably far too loudly, while giving an enthusiastic thumbs-up. He's more relieved than he can say for the excuse to stay by his friend’s side today. And he'll make sure today is the best day Kakashi has seen in months! "After breakfast we will train harder than we have ever trained before!"

"What are you gonna eat?"

"Do not worry about me, Ka-ka-shi!" Gai assures. "I ate breakfast hours ago, before my youthful pre-dawn run!" 

"Ah. Right," Kakashi says, smiling behind his mask.

Between sparring, a grocery run, two more meals, and a trip to the laundromat (at Gai’s suggestion; the clothes in Kakashi’s room had started to pile up, and hauling baskets across town is always better with a friend!), they spend the entire day together. 

Kakashi keeps telling him thank you, and Gai doesn’t know how else to say that he doesn’t mind, that he _wants_ to help, _wants_ to spend time with him. 

After all, that’s what rivals are for.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading <3
> 
> EDIT: I was rereading [one of my favorite fics](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22280779) by RecklessWriter today, and I realized that I think I was definitely influenced by it when I was writing this work? In some parts the wording is similar, and idk what else to do but link it here and encourage you guys to read it (it's so so good). Maybe I'll revise some parts of this fic later if I feel like I need to? Idk. Anyway! Thank you again for reading :)


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